Top 5 Experiences of 2019

I’ve really come to appreciate the value of making memories and having experiences over the past few years. My policy is if I have the opportunity to do something, I always do it. Maybe it’ll be physically challenging at times but in the long run, the brain emphasizes good memories and de-emphasizes bad ones. If I attend a kickass concert I won’t remember my back hurting when I reflect later on, I’ll just remember the fun I had. With that in mind, I’ve gone absolutely nuts this year – and we’re only 8 months in so far.

#1: G1 Supercard – Madison Square Garden – New York City, NY – April 6, 2019

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I decided that I was going to Wrestlemania and was in the process of putting the trip together when I noticed that there was going to be a big show going down the night before. Non-fans might wonder what the point is when I’d be going to whats basically the Super Bowl of wrestling the next night. It’s a different style. WWE is “sports-entertainment,” glitz and glamour, characters and gimmicks. This show was put on by a joint effort of Ring of Honor and New Japan Pro Wrestling, known for more of an athletic, hard-hitting, high-flying form of wrestling… and wow, did it live up to that description.

Ring of Honor has been around since the early 2000s and is basically the first big step on the way to the top. Many of the guys in WWE right now were in ROH 10-15 years ago. NJPW has been around since 1972 and is the biggest promotion in Japan. Slowly with ROH’s help they’ve been going global putting on shows all over the world and releasing content catering to an English-speaking audience.

I’ve never watched much ROH but have always been aware of them. I started watching NJPW’s biggest shows over the past couple years and have always liked what I saw. Again, their hard-hitting athletic style keeps you on the edge of your seat never knowing when the match might end. What I love the most about NJPW though are the entrances. The dimly-lit arenas contrast with the laser lights and hit my brain just right. I never thought I’d get to experience that in person without going to Japan! Take a look for yourself.

This was a historic show because MSG has been WWE’s home turf since at least the 50’s. There have been disagreements lately about royalty fees for taping shows there, so WWE backed out of their contract and ROH/NJPW swooped in, putting on the first non-WWE wrestling event.

Favorite moment: Bandido picks up both of his opponents on the top rope before hitting an amazing backflip slam.

#2: J-Sin Trioxin Tribute – Debonair Music Hall – Teaneck, NJ – June 30, 2019

trioxin.jpgBack in 2003, I was trying to get involved with horror punk bands and labels in any way possible. I’d send letters with a few bucks in the envelope to labels asking them to send back catalogs. I’d offer to make websites, design flyers, anything. I didn’t actually know how to do any of that stuff, but I figured it out on the fly. One day I saw that a big horror punk show was going down in Baltimore, MA that summer called Ghoul’s Night Out Fest 3.

In 2003 I had been through the wringer between all these sudden, severe health problems, losing touch with friends because I could no longer go to school, a brief stay in a psych hospital… so I figured this would be a good time to ask my parents for a favor. They agreed, found some stuff they wanted to do in that area, and off we went. There I was able to finally meet in person these bands that I had been in contact with over the internet. J-Sin Trioxin had just started playing bass for Blitzkid, one of my favorite bands in the horror scene at this time.

Sadly, J-Sin died last year at the age of 39. This show was to celebrate what would have been his 40th birthday. Members of his family were there including his mother who was brought to tears when she saw how many lives he touched.

As I was getting into horror punk, I read that the Misfits had a singer I’d never heard of named Myke Hideous. He wasn’t with them long, just filled in on a few tours. I explored his discography and liked everything I heard, he has a very unique sound. Once I read his autobiography, I really started liking the guy. He too had health problems throughout his life, dealing with cancer and the effects of its treatments. At this point in my life I felt very isolated. I was very sick yet being treated like an asshole as ME/CFS was even less understood then than it is now. Myke was the first person I identified with who was doing the types of things I wanted to do.

I had been in contact with Myke in recent years through Facebook. He quit the music scene many years ago, preferring to leave the bullshit behind. Pretty much every shocking reunion has happened by now, but I thought Myke was truly done. When I saw him post about a reunion show, I bought a ticket immediately.

I’ve never cared about autographs but I thought it’d be cool for Myke to sign my straight jacket. He was the first musician I saw use one as part of a performance, even before I started getting into Alice Cooper.

Favorite moment: Being able to stand front row center, something I never thought I’d be able to do at a concert, for a musician I never thought I’d be able to see.

#3: Wrestlemania 35 – MetLife Stadium – East Rutherford, NJ – April 7, 2019

wrestlemania.jpgMy two main goals for 2018 were to get into better shape through gradual exercise and to make/save more money. I had a trip late in mind for late that year that I knew may or may not work out. Turns out it didn’t, so I needed to find something big to do with the money I’d saved up. I saw that Wrestlemania was going to be within driving distance and I was off to the races.

Since WCW died in 2001, WWE hasn’t had any real competition. The shows started really suffering as a result, especially over the past few years. Each show felt more like a commercial for their brands and the network. I started watching less and less. However, I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to go to Wrestlemania!

The main theme of the show was that the fans were pulling for certain wrestlers that had put in a lot of work over the years but never got their just due. Everybody wanted to see Kofi Kingston defeat Daniel Bryan for the World Championship, and for Becky Lynch to win the Women’s Championship. The crowd got their wish and the place erupted into a sea of cheers.

Here’s Joan Jett playing Ronda Rousey to the ring in the main event.

Favorite moment: The overall atmosphere, the sights and sounds, fireworks… Wrestlemania!

#4: Niagara Falls / Buffalo Trip – August 3-5, 2019

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My dad and I wanted to go somewhere over the summer but couldn’t decide what to do. There were too many variables. Maybe we’d meet up with some of the Missouri family somewhere, maybe my brother would be joining us, maybe we’d go to Philly, Gettysburg, we didn’t know.

I got my passport last year for a trip that didn’t pan out – they wanted me to send in extra stuff to confirm my identity and the process took too long for the trip in mind… perhaps the fact that at that point I’d never filed taxes was the reason why. In any event, I got my passport and I wanted to use it.

I knew my dad was going to be taking that week off, so I sat myself down and proposed a trip exploring the area. Originally I included Toronto in the trip, but the more I read about Buffalo/Niagara Falls area, the more I realized there would be plenty to do there alone. Luckily a friend of mine sent me a list of things to do since she has spent a lot of time in that area, which helped me put a map together.

As a bonus, after getting back home we took a day trip with my mom to Hull, MA. Hull’s been on my radar for years for a secluded, concrete military fort there.

Favorite moment: Maid of the Mist boat ride under the falls.

#5: Bit Brigade – PAX East / Great Scott – Boston, MA / Allston, MA – March 30, 2019 / August 7, 2019

This was the third year in a row that I attended PAX East, a video game convention in Boston. Since you have to be on your feet the whole day it can be tough. The first year I was only there a few hours. This time, I was there all day.

As the day was coming to a close I heard that a concert would be taking place, so I got in line. I’ve always been a fan of old school video game music. I’ve played some songs on guitar, but my favorite thing to do is play drums over medleys of old video game tunes. There are a lot of video game cover bands out there but most overdo it with modern metal components like double bass drumming and pinch harmonics which isn’t my style. My favorite video game band has always been The Minibosses that play more of a straight rock style. As soon as Bit Brigade started playing I noticed that they sound almost identical to The Minibosses, but with a bonus: they also have somebody speed running the game on a big screen while they play the soundtrack!

Unfortunately, I had to leave halfway through their set at PAX so I could catch the last train back home. I’ve kept them on my radar since then and luckily they came back to do a show on August 7th. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go or not because I had just finished that tiring road trip, plus I spent the early hours of the day in Hull. I eventually decided that yes, I was going to go. I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Favorite moment: Contra, one of my favorites that I grew up with. Can you recite the Konami Code?

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Pride Month 2019

Seeing as it’s Pride Month, I’d like to explain how my health experiences made me sympathize with what the LGBT community goes through.
ME/CFS isn’t an illness like cancer where you’re treated like a brave warrior and hero regardless of how treatable, mild, or severe your form is. You get diagnosed by ruling everything else out that could explain the symptoms (AIDS, Lupus, Lyme Disease, etc). Since there’s no test to “prove” that you’re sick, the illness isn’t taken seriously and people don’t believe that you’re suffering. The situation is a little better now, but back when I got sick in the early 2000s it was awful. Doctors and teachers treated me like some asshole that just didn’t want to come to class, a hypochrondriac, a nut, or that my symptoms were psychosomatic due to some childhood abuse. Their comments got into the heads of my parents who suspected that maybe my symptoms were due to abusing drugs. I was given no help or half-assed help at best. Only occasionally would someone sympathize with me, but it would be someone like a nurse that couldn’t do much in their position.


My stomach pain was at its worst as I struggled to attend freshman year at Apponequet. I’d get snide comments about why I wasn’t eating and was so skinny, calling me anorexic, etc. I was never one to get into fights but a lot of shoving went down that year (I wasn’t going to put up with anyone’s shit on top of everything else). The Principal noticed that I tended to be a loner in the lunchroom so she took me aside and suggested I join the Diversity Coahlition (the newly-renamed Gay/Straight Alliance). I said “I’m sick, I’m not gay!” I’m willing to guess that was her go-to response to any outsider and offered that same half-assed help to any LGBT student trying to make sense of their situation.
As a straight white guy I’ll never know what it’s like to walk a mile in the shoes of a gay man. Also, I grew up in Massachusetts: one of the most tolerant states… so I REALLY don’t know what it’s like to be a gay man growing up in places like the midwest/southern USA, or at worst strict countries in the Middle East. However, I know what it’s like to be treated like shit for something that isn’t your fault and you have zero control over. Due to that, I’ve always felt a sort of kinship with any other groups that have had to deal with the same thing.

Surrounded By A Mess

There’s one thing which Chronic Fatigue Syndrome causes that nobody ever talks about: messy rooms.

If I’m in my room, I’m in my bed. Getting up and out takes all of my effort so when I need to go somewhere, all I can do is make a beeline to the outside door. By the time I get back home from wherever I was, I’m out of energy and will do the least amount of things required of me before getting back in bed. If I went grocery shopping I’ll put the food away, but pretty much anything else I bring home ends up on the floor in my room with the understanding that it will be put into its proper place at a late date (but this date never comes).

It generally takes most of the day for me to fully “wake up.” There are things that bump me up to the next level of consciousness: the cumulative effects of each dose of my meds, socializing which gets my mind going, and generally going through my daily tasks. Sometimes I’ll be in the mood to start cleaning but by then it’s 2am and everyone else in the house is trying to sleep so I must be quiet. When I’ve finally had enough of the mess and start cleaning during daylight hours, the required motions of repeatedly bending over and lifting quickly do a number on me. It’s a similar feeling to shoveling snow.

Human beings naturally avoid activities that cause pain anyway, but surviving decades of discomfort will condition you even further. It’s not long after I start cleaning that the feelings of soreness, fatigue, shortness of breath, and sweating kick in. I’ve managed to recondition myself to get through many other of life’s tasks, but keeping my room clean remains a constant challenge.

Things On My Mind – 3/5/2018

I’ve felt like shit for over a month now. As I walk through the living room and kitchen to driveway to go somewhere, my parents sometimes greet me or ask a question but I can’t answer due to the fatigue. I feel like I’m out of breath and can’t get enough oxygen. I suspect this is due to 3 factors: the fact that I’m more active than ever before, nagging sleep apnea symptoms disrupting my sleep, and tolerance to Adderall building up once again. I’ve since I can’t always get things done at home (as explained in my “Environment” article), I’ve taken my ME/CFS books to the library to consider my options.

Regarding those 3 factors:

The biggest problem for me with regard to being active in hobbies and business is that the more I do, the more I have to do and the more I want to do. For example, despite feeling shitty lately I’ve increased my eBay earnings due to some new strategies and effort I’ve put into it. Buyers don’t wait for me to catch up on sleep, when they click that “Buy It Now” button I need to get that stuff packaged and shipped out. In addition to my personal eBay sales, I’m also helping a local music store sell some of their stuff online which is even more complicated. I need to always keep my eyes on things to respond to questions very quickly and communicate with the store owner to make a deal. I then need to get my ass to the music store, package up that big guitar, work with one of the guys that works there to print out a UPS label for me, and then I go drop it off. For my personal eBay sales I can wait a day or two if I really need to, but when guitars in the 4-6 figures are being purchased from a legitimate 35-year business I need to get the job regardless of how sick I am or if I’m off my meds.

As far as sleep apnea goes, I was disappointed to see symptoms return after losing weight. At my heaviest I was nearly 240lbs. I started tracking my foods last year to drop weight after struggling with a CPAP machine. When I got my weight down to about 205lbs, I suddenly (literally overnight) stopped waking up and slept through the entire night. I thought that was it – I’d heard that weight loss was a “cure” for sleep apnea. Unfortunately, symptoms returned. I spent sometime reading about sleep apnea and its causes and learned that while weight loss will improve symptoms, it doesn’t necessarily cure them. I’ve been about 190lbs for a while now and just started the process of tracking my foods again. I’ve read that even 10lbs can make a difference when it comes to sleep apnea symptoms (and blood pressure, too) so I’m hoping that will do the trick. I don’t understand why I slept fine for weeks at 205lbs before symptoms returned, though. I need to read more about sleep apnea if things don’t improve because I really don’t want to do another sleep study and bother with a CPAP again. Some people are cured by strapping something to their back which forces them to sleep on their side (I already sleep on my side), some cured their symptoms with weight loss, some find relief with a CPAP, and others are cured via surgery.

Regarding the last one, Adderall tolerance, this one’s tough. When the brain has become tolerant to stimulants like amphetamines and you spend some time without the drug, the next time you resume using, tolerance will occur much more rapidly. It’s difficult to tell how often I can use Adderall and get away with it. I’ve been generally following a 5-day schedule for a few months now (Adderall on the weekdays, rest up on the weekends) and this might be pushing it unfortunately. Like I said earlier, the more I do the more I want/need to do so it’s very difficult to take a break and say “I’ve got all these things I want to do and people to talk to, but instead I’m going to lay in bed all day without being able to think.” It needs to be done an I’m ok with taking a couple days off per week when I have no plans, but there are times where I have to decide if I want to risk a 6-day week to participate in something. Last year I spent over a month researching and then trying a peptide called BPC-157 (I should write an article on this) which may be able to repair damaged dopamine receptors but I did not notice a significant improvement. This could be due to the fact that those that see improvement are generally former addicts to meth and other amphetamines and no longer use the drug. The only other way to lower tolerance is to spend a significant amount of time away from the drug (months) so if things get too bad I’ll have to spend some time away from Adderall again. After the crash which occurs over the first few days I wind up in a state where I don’t have much energy and can’t think, but I could go through the motions of packaging up my eBay sales and shipping them out. I’d also have to figure out arrangements for the weekly open mic livestream I’m responsible for running.

There’s my current situation. The meds I’m on got me to where I am now which is great and more than anything I ever thought was possible… but I’ll need to discover some new things if I’m going to get to where I want to be.

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Where Did This Blog’s Name Come From?

If you asked 100 people who Black Sabbath’s singer was, most of them would say Ozzy Osbourne. That’s true, he was their singer… but he was only their first singer! In 1979, Black Sabbath fired Ozzy and continued on with other singers including Ronnie James Dio (Rainbow, Dio), Ian Gillan (Deep Purple), Ray Gillen (Badlands), Glenn Hughes (Trapeze, Deep Purple) and Tony Martin. The latter name is the one people generally know the least about, but was actually Sabbath’s singer for the longest amount of time, beating out Ozzy by a couple of years. I’ve always been very fond of Sabbath’s later years and actually prefer those albums!

In 1995, Black Sabbath was in talks with Ozzy about a reunion but there was a big problem – they were still obligated to release another album. They quickly threw together an album to get out of their contract with the IRS Records label. The album was titled Forbidden. This is by far Black Sabbath’s least critically acclaimed album and is generally panned by critics. It is certainly odd! Would you believe it actually features Ice T rapping on a song? Yep, this is the first and only case of a guest singer on a Black Sabbath album.

The best song on this album, by far, is the final track: Kiss of Death. This was a very strong way to finish off Sabbath’s studio catalogue and it indeed looked like it was going to be their final chapter until their reunions with Dio (as Heaven and Hell) and Ozzy.

Overall, I enjoy Forbidden… but we’re here to talk about the song that gave this blog its name.

This song starts out with a very repetitive riff in 4/3 time signature. Honestly, the vocal melody is a poor example of what Tony Martin can contribute as a singer. His vocals follow the melody of the guitar the same way Ozzy did in Sabbath’s classic songs N.I.B. and Iron Man, but the melody is far less catchy in this case. However, at 1:28 Tony Iommi plays a riff that’s much more appealing to the ear. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed this riff so much when I first heard it that I ripped it off in some of my earliest basement recordings.

I didn’t name this blog after the song’s guitar riffs though. When I decided to create this blog I didn’t spend much time brainstorming or wavering back and forth between several choices – this name came to me immediately and I stuck with it. In addition to the title, many of the lyrics apply to this topic.

Is life everything you want to be?
Does it give you everything that you need?
Does it live up to your expectations?
Are you ready for the celebrations?

This is not for the weak of mind,
Are you sure that you’re my kind,
Do you want to be part of me,
Are you sure that you can really see.

Are you chained to a life that you don’t want?
Is it hard for you to find a way out?
Can you live without the love that you need?
Are you sure that what you have is so real?

This is not for the weak of mind,
Are you sure that you’re my kind,
Do you want to be part of me,
Are you sure that you can really see.

All of your life, they try to take your cover,
Turn you into another, and make you change your name.
When you fall, it’s up to you to recover,
You can’t depend on another, to help you with the pain, yeah.

I’m shaking off the chains, I’m shaking off the chains.

This is not for the weak of mind,
Are you sure that you’re my kind,
Do you want to be part of me,
Are you sure that you can really see.

In the night, you say that are falling
People always calling, calling out your name.
What do you know, a face appears at the window,
Tapping on the window, the window of your soul.

I’m shaking off the chains,
I’m tired of all the pain.
I’m shaking off the chains,
Let me live again!

I’m Shaking off the Chains!

 

Music

When given a choice during my sickest years, I would always choose whichever option was most familiar to me. New experiences take effort whether it’s becoming familiar with the characters in a new TV show, navigating a different route to a destination, or trying a new recipe. I didn’t have the brain power for any new information to stick, so I stuck with what I knew – and this also applied to music.

There was a stretch of several years where I only listened to one band: Black Sabbath. You might think that’s a pretty small group of song to pick from but it gets even better: I only listed to the 1980-1996 era of Black Sabbath. I’ve always had a preference for their rarely-celebrated later years for some reason. When Ozzy Osbourne was fired in 1979, Ronnie James Dio took over for a bit, then there were a few unstable years before Tony Martin finally gave the band some stability as he remained singer for their final decade of existence.

did shake thing up from time to time… sort of. I rarely listened to the studio albums. I instead listened to live performances after discovering places online where they could be downloaded. These came from several sources of varying quality: soundboard recordings that were broadcast over the radio or TV, high-quality audience recording, and barely listenable garbage. There were dozens of recordings available for each tour with usually at least one high-quality recording. This allowed me to change things up from time to time without leaving my comfort zone.

Music was part of my nightly routine during these years. I would take my sleep meds on an empty stomach, have something to eat, then once I felt drowsy enough I’d pop a CD-R into my nearby stereo and listen on a low volume until I fell asleep. Music wasn’t really something to enjoy during this time of my life, it was just something to fill the silence.


My enjoyment of music and the desire to explore new songs had a brief boost in my early 20s. There was a period of about three years or so at this time of my life where I would drink alcohol as often as it was available to me. By then the Adderall wasn’t working as well and I had constant muscle pain from years of trying to live like a healthy person. Alcohol was great at numbing the physical pain, allowing me to get through physical activity from standing up through a concert to sex. What I enjoyed most about booze though were its psychological effects.

Stimulants make you cold and unfeeling but when I drank I was able to feel. I could laugh, cry, become angry, passionate, etc. It didn’t matter if they were positive or negative emotions – feeling anything at all made me feel like a human being for once.

Getting drunk was my way of self-medicating before I understood the science of how and why I enjoyed it. Have you ever had a few drinks (or more) and really enjoyed a song? Picture the stereotypical drunk girl at a party, what is she doing? She’s up on the table dancing her ass off telling everyone around her “THIS IS MY SONG!” What about the booze causes this effect?

The neurotransmitter GABA is partially responsible. Altering the amount of GABA floating around in the brain will dramatically alter the way a person feels. Prescription drugs that increase the amount of GABA in the brain are used to treat insomnia (Restoril, Halcion), anxiety (Xanax, Valium) and used as muscle relaxers (Lyrica, Baclofen). Alcohol also (indirectly) increases the amount of GABA in the brain. That, combined with its short-term effects on other neurotransmitters like dopamine, makes music sound great.


I stopped drinking years ago when the aftermath stopped being worth the couple hours of pleasure, and spent the next couple of years finding myself listening to Black Sabbath live shows again.

I stopped using Adderall for most of 2014 which allowed my brain to bounce back slightly. As long as I didn’t take it every day anymore, it was one again providing me some energy and flooding my brain with dopamine. A year or two later I discovered Baclofen which increases the amount of GABA in the brain and noticed something interesting: Music sounded better than it ever has before! This feeling was similar to but very different than the way I enjoyed music with alcohol and fortunately a lot better.

The first time noticed this, the first time I really felt music in a long time, was when I heard the song “Arizona” by the Scorpions:

My favorite part of this song is the guitar lick that happens shortly after 1:05. I can’t describe the feeling this song gave me with words beyond saying it was euphoric and I was nearly brought to tears. I make the alcohol comparison because I imagine that’s the closest feeling most people have had to get them to relate to this, but it this was a truly different and better experience.

I frequently got sidetracked for hours when a good song would become more important than whatever I was trying to achieve at the time. I revisited old favorites, bands I discovered in my teens but hadn’t listened to since. I explored new bands in my usual genres of hard rock and metal. What surprised me most though was that I found myself enjoying genres I never explored before!

I moved from rock, to pop, to funk, to jazz, to classical, to ragtime piano. Each time I discovered something new, I would branch off in several different directions and couldn’t keep up with myself.

Home listening is just one part of the music experience. I plan to write about attending live music in the audience as well as performing live music myself in the future.


Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture is so badass it has a cannon in it (at 5:00)


I saw P-Funk live last year and it was incredible.


Everyone knows this one, but I didn’t appreciate it until recently.


For whatever reason I enjoy songs about paranoia, so the “Are we under their control?” line really works for me.

Things On My Mind – 1/26/2018

We’re a few weeks into 2018 and the things I’ve done so far are incredible, but it has come at a price and I don’t know if this level of activity is sustainable.

When 2017 started I thought I was ready to crank things up to the next level. I had things I wanted to do, ideas… I wanted to finally take a shot at stand up comedy, play music at different venues, start writing in a regular and organized manner, look for part-time work, and many other things. I still had a pretty good year, but I had to postpone a lot of those goals when some health setbacks occurred. One year later in 2018, I’ve gotten those issues under control and am armed with more knowledge and tools in my arsenal to take that next step forward. I’m almost where I wanted to be last year.

All the things I listed above, I’ve been doing. I’ve been having a lot of new experiences in new places with new people, and with new peo ple comes new opportunities. I have some exciting plans later in the year that have given me that kick in the ass to get to the gym to try and get my body – a body that still spends many hours a day laying in bed in front of a laptop – in better shape. Every day I get up, head to the post office to ship out my latest eBay sales, work on some wild mild music idea (like trying to figure out which genre of music I’m going to play drums over a medley of next), do some cardio and lift weights, meet with friends, and discuss plans.

It’s really taking a toll on my body. For the last few months, I’ve been able to maintain a Mon-Fri schedule, and sleep through the weekends to rest up. At first, I would start getting pretty tired by Friday… then Thursday became difficult too… and now this week, I was already feeling exhausted on Tuesday. The symptoms of exhaustion have been nearly constant, and as soon as things start wearing off around 9pm-11pm I have a couple of choices: take more meds, or drive home before the dizziness gets worse and interferes with doing so safely. There have been a couple occasions so far this year that it gets to the point where extra meds don’t even help and all I can do is lay in bed. This would be fine if I could just sleep it off, but I can’t sleep well until these meds get out of my system.

I didn’t start this blog to bitch about fatigue, you can find that in plenty of other places on the internet. The exhaustion I’ve been feeling is a positive thing, it’s the result of doing so much. I can live with the daily fatigue and there are ways I can distract myself from it. Staying engaged socially helps a lot – I might be tired but I can remain in a good mood if I’m in the right company. My worry though is that I constantly feel like I’m tiptoeing on the edge, that hour I’m just a decision or two away from rendering myself unable to stand up or drive home.

One thing has remained a constant during the last few years… if I have a symptom that’s really bothering me or I’m not happy with the way I’m feeling, I can figure something out if I set my mind to it.

Next week, I’m going hunting for answers.

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